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November 9, 2010

What do I want to write. Um. I’m decisive. Yeah.

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Update

July 27, 2010

Just an update since some of the posts below are oldish and negative.

I’m not saying that fail thing to myself much anymore. Probably no more than what most people do.

Everything’s fine and dandelions.

Writing from a bus ride

July 27, 2010

This is something I wrote on a bus trip from Auckland to Tauranga. I haven’t edited it so don’t expect it all to make sense. It’s just what I felt like writing at the time to drive the boredom away.

Logical side speaking to sometimes over imaginative emotional side. Don’t fear the unknown. There’s an infinite amount of possible actions to take against the infinite possibilities of the unknown. So don’t even bother.

Tuesday 8th June 2010-06-08

I had to check the laptop calendar to see what the date was. At least I knew it was a Tuesday. Next Monday is my anatomy exam yet right now it is not the event my mind is quietly scheduling. No instead I am thinking of dying my hair and having it cut.

Oh yes apparently my mind thinks these are the important questions to consider. At least the ego part. I feel like I’m trying portray an identity to the outer world which I am happy with. I haven’t done this before.

Btw I’m sitting on the bus waiting for the driver to start driving so that I can eat my chips without being told off. Yay he’s moving, salt and vinegar chip time for me.

I’m my own worst critic. Though currently it’s to the extent whichI hardly put stuff of my own out there. Either by just not finishing what I start, or by not showing others it. Even though I find the act of creation to be for me, the most, well I’m failing to find words to sum it up. For some a way to immortality. In a sense, god like, as myself an atheist I can’t make blapshmeous statements

“Don’t mention it, as long as it makes you more comfortable” – Said man seated in front of me to another passenger. Him saying that made me think aw what a sweet old man (frail and overly nice) . Later on when we stopped for a break I unknowingly saw the same man standing outside the bus. Nonchalantly smoking a cigarette. I thought, that man looks like a writer. Perhaps a Bukowski type. Same person from different angles.

Laugh. A sign with kids silhouettes warning of a school near was sideways in a bush. Warning about kids being falling over or ones who float around sideways?

The only thing left standing is the chimney place. Bricks falling away. Weeds growing over it.

Cow with her head stuck in between the barbed wire of a fence. Cows lying side by side. Also cows looking delicious.

4.22pm destination Willow Street Tauranga ETA 5.05pm

Went though Paeroa and made a note to myself to stop at their second hand stores and also the one with a wood figure that looks like a skeleton riding a bike outside it.

Thinking I hope Bill NIghy is the next Dr. Who.

Thinking hmm I shall bleach my hair lighter, even my eyebrows. Will that even work? Is it possible for me to suit that? Or will I still look like a girl with black hair whos just trying to be blonde(blonder).

It’s cloudy. What’s up with that?

March 2, 2010

Oh, no point in doing this Shaye. You’re going to fail it anyway.

Oh, no point in doing this Shaye. You’re going to fail it anyway.

Oh, no point in doing this Shaye. You’re going to fail it anyway.

Oh, no point in doing this Shaye. You’re going to fail it anyway.

Oh, no point in doing this Shaye. You’re going to fail it anyway.

These thoughts happen fast. It’s one of those YOU JUST LOST THE GAME things.

Right after I think it I realise it’s self sabotage… but then I wonder will the thoughts change me?  Will I not pay attention in class because I don’t want to put in effort for something I at some level think I don’t deserve? Will I choose to sleep in just a little bit longer? Will I overspend, under appreciate, fail FAIL FAIL? And now I’m thinking…well yep….. I do those things.

I actually THINK I can pass. I think if I don’t let self esteem stuff get in the way I could get excellent grades.

So why do I let it get in the way?

I like to…release expectation. So I don’t feel like I let myself or others down. When I percieve to have let others down I feel guilty as. Sooo to stop the thoughts I have to work on that.

I’m only writing this down so it’s black whirlwindyness can go down into a drain and out of my brain.

I’ll probably come back in to re-write this or delete it all. But right now I just want to sleep and smile.

It would make me the happiest

February 22, 2010

to not work.

Well to not work for money.

One day I want to be able to have enough money to help kids who don’t have many chances. To be able to show them more than what they have.

It would bascially involve helping them to experience life how other kids do, to have somewhere to call home. To help someone so innocent, to help them be happy would make me the happiest than anything else I can think of.

These are a few of my favourite words

February 18, 2010

It’s most likely the sound I like, or the shape that’s formed when it’s said.

Whore

Wraith

Updated when I remember more. There are a lot more. My memory for them is just apparntly bad.

You are not here

February 18, 2010

Noone’s reading this.  I that state as a fact. Not a wish for attention. Or sympathy from the people… not reading this.

I like the idea of noone reading. At least, I like the idea when I’m writing. It takes expectation out of it.  It’s less drama whore. Less oh look at me, read my ramblings,  and see how special I am amongst all the others! My unique story tellings, that noone else can speak (though others have said the same earlier and found better words) AND LOOK I CAN EVEN MAKE MY LETTERS LEAN TO THE RIGHT! Woop de doo I am amazing.

Because I’m not . Lots of others can italic it up, have the same ideas, and are further than I. So this is just a place for me to write my thoughts. At least the particular ones I have had at the time of writing…. (and a good chance future Shaye won’t recognise them as her own, and burn with shame that they once were) ….And at least the ones I choose to write down.

There’s probably actaully nothing wrong with wanting attention, or wanting to feel special. Bah, I do want both of those things. (Most likely a giant self defense mechanism thing going on here.)

So yes, person who is not reading this. You are not there.

Ok maybe you are. It’s a bit sad to deny someones existence. But, why should you get so much attention? This is my blog…..it’s all about ME not you!

….You attention whore.

February 17, 2010

The night is when I get inspiration, especially when it comes to ideas and being able to express them in a non-robot like way.

It’s 11.05 in the morning and I want to write.  I have ideas in my head but they’re smushed and swirling. When I try to contain and express they come out tinny.

So I’m not writing anything anything else except ooga booga.

Yes, ooga booga boo.